I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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