Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
