I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
