I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
