tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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