Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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