Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
