I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
