OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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