I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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