I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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