remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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