i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
