The maid of honor just puked.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
