I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
