Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
