Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
