woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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