when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
