You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
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does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
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note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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