I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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