forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
