If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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