Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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