ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
