I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
