note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
