GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
she looked like the before picture.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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