and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
