My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
