she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you had me at cake vodka
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
