I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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