...so i touched it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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