So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
