I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
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is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf