But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.