my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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