im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
