Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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