People in love make me want to vomit
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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