a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
