no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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