using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
