this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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