If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
