one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
