This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
