I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
