So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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