apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
