I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
