i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
