you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
