Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
