Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
